Parents, Stop Trying to Be Perfect
I recently met with a 15 year-old boy who said his parents were perfect.
They’re the best, he said.
They’re perfect.
Now, some kids will tell you their parents are perfect when the opposite is true, but not this kid. As far as I can tell, his parents really are kind of perfect. They’re supportive and kind and patient and thoughtful and understanding. They get along well, the kid likes his little sister, and basically things are great.
Except . . .
Except he’s in my office, which generally means something is up.
He’s in my office because he gets really anxious sometimes, mostly around performance, like in sports, but sometimes in social situations. And it’s bad enough for him and one of his parents to drive to my office, which is not close to his home, at 7 PM, on a school night.
So, for him it’s bad.
And yet his parents are perfect.
Before you start thinking that maybe there’s some hidden thing going on, like his parents are actually narcissists who just appear great, let me assure you that this isn’t the case. There’s no boogeyman hiding in the family closet. They are humble, balanced, good people - no big trauma, no big nothing.
And yet the kid still has problems.
Why?
Because that’s life, and it’s actually not a bad thing.
Readers of a certain age will recall the Biosphere experiments, where plants and animals were stuffed into a self-contained bubble in the desert and left to their own devices. It didn’t really work, because the trees didn’t thrive.
Why?
No wind.
And why do we care?
Because wind supplies resistance, and resistance fosters strength. And without resistance, we can’t develop our characters and become strong.
So, this kid has perfect parents, but he still comes up against the winds of life. Hard classes in school, the occasional sh***y person on his basketball team, maybe not enough natural talent in some department, whatever.
The winds of life - they’re coming to get you, my friend. And they will knock you down, perfect parents or not.
Parents, I remind you of this so that you don’t waste your time trying to be perfect. I’ve met the perfect parents, and their kid is still a mess.
Stop trying to be perfect and focus your energy on the important things, like helping your kid up when the winds of life knock them on their a**.
Because it will.
And that’s not a bad thing.
sues.spew@gmail.com
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To protect my clients’ privacy when I write about them, I change identifying details and circumstances. In addition, I sometimes create amalgams for the purpose of bringing forth universal themes from individual situations. I hope this approach allows readers to hear echoes of their own experience in the stories of others.
My intention in sharing snippets of other people’s struggles is to provide comfort to all the lonely parents out there who think they suck.