What Teens Actually Talk About In Therapy
When I start working with a new teenage client, I see them for three or four sessions and then meet with their parents to share my impressions, and whatever. I review with the teen beforehand what I’d like to say to their parents, and I explicitly ask their permission about verbiage, etc.
Surprisingly, most teens are fine with me sharing all kinds of stuff, with some exceptions.
Don’t tell my mom about my crush, got it? a 9th grade boy warned me.
I nodded my agreement.
I’ll never hear the end of it.
These parent meetings are generally lovely, as parents are thirsty to hear how their kid is doing, and I’m happy to supply them with my insights about what’s happening.
During one recent session, I met with the parents of a bright and anxious 15 year-old boy (every teenager is anxious, by the way), and the mom’s eyes misted over.
She looked like she wanted to say something, so I paused.
I’m so jealous, she finally said.
I’d gladly pay 250 bucks for my son to talk to me.
I tilted my head sympathetically and passed her the box of tissues.
Well, you kind of just did, I replied.
This is it.
. . .
For all the parents in Spew Nation who want to know what their teens are talking about in therapy, I thought I’d share a few snippets from my past week.
At this point, said a 16 year-old girl at the beginning of a session.
I just say random s*** to piss my mom off.
I arched my brows and waited for more. Clearly, it had been a tough week.
Like, I tell her I’m going to college in a red state, she continued.
She folded her arms.
That always works, she said with satisfaction.
The previous week she had attended the funeral of an elderly aunt, and my client took this opportunity to say random s*** to the extended family.
When some relatives asked me what I want to study in college, she reported,
I told them Roller Coaster engineering.
I didn’t know how to respond.
It’s a real thing, she said defensively, sensing my confusion.
I googled it.
I waited to see if there was more.
I mean, I didn’t say I was going to study puppetry, she added.
It could have been so much worse.
. . .
A senior boy, lamenting his single status, was not feeling it before Valentine’s Day last week.
If I can’t be happy, he said,
Nobody can be happy.
He explained his plan to foil Happy Couples Day, as he called it.
I’m going to get couples to switch phones for the day, he explained.
I didn’t get it.
What do you mean? I asked.
He leaned forward in his seat.
I have this great idea, he began.
I’m going to get happy couples to switch phones for the day, because at least one of them is for sure cheating, right?
He got very animated as he described his plan.
When they switch phones, see, one of them will get a text from the person they’re cheating with, but the other one will see it, and it will blow everything up.
He almost clapped, he was so happy.
Pretty good, yeah? he said.
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that his plan was ridiculous, because of course he already knew that, so I said the only thing I could think of.
It’s a great plan, I told him.
And it’s totally going to work.
. . .
So parents, this is what your teens are talking about. Pissing you off, and foiling love.
I just saved you 250 bucks.
sues.spew@gmail.com
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To protect my clients’ privacy when I write about them, I change identifying details and circumstances. In addition, I sometimes create amalgams for the purpose of bringing forth universal themes from individual situations. I hope this approach allows readers to hear echoes of their own experience in the stories of others.
My intention in sharing snippets of other people’s struggles is to provide comfort to all the lonely parents out there who think they suck.